The danger of love drunk - and how to stay sober in love

We all know what it feels like to be love-drunk. You’re just getting to know someone (or see them in a romantic way for the first time) and you can’t imagine a more perfect person for you. You catalog all their incredible talents and ideal perspectives. You can’t help but see all the ways destiny has brought you together. You love being in their presence and every assurance that they care about you is received as heavy shot of endorphins. You find yourself thinking about your future together, about the way your family and friends will see them (and/or the two of you together) as a fairy-tale match made in heaven.

And then life comes crashing in and shatters - or even just cracks - the crystal through which you’ve been viewing this person, your relationship, and your future. Perhaps it’s just logistic, and suddenly they can’t spend as much time with you as they did before. Or perhaps it’s more emotional and they make some off-handed comment that sends you into a tailspin, obsessing about whether or not they really love you. Or maybe you realize you have an incompatibility that you hadn’t noticed before.

Thanks for reading! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

Regardless of how it lands, this uncomfortably sobering moment hits you like a Mack truck and suddenly you feel totally unmoored, insecure, and uncertain. And all you want in the world is to go back to being love-drunk.

If you resonate with any of this, it isn’t a sign that this person or this relationship is doomed. In fact, it’s a completely natural progression of a relationship. Because we can’t instantly deeply know someone, and no one is as perfect as they may seem to be in the beginning of a relationship.

The reality that the shattering of this inherently false reality that you’ve built can, actually, be a wonderful turning point in your relationship. But it generally doesn’t feel that way initially. More often that not it feels like a painful loss - and one that you may actually need to spend some time grieving. You aren’t necessarily grieving the loss of the person or even the relationship. You’re grieving the future fantasy you’d built with this person. You’re grieving the version of yourself you were falling in love with being, with the support of your partner.

This is the primary danger of putting your relationship at the center of your life; of wanting to stay love-drunk. Underneath your dreams of your future together, and the feeling that you loved the person you were (are) with them, is the uncomfortable truth that you - probably unknowingly - made that person and/or your relationship, central to your value. You used it as “evidence” that you are lovable, likable, and valuable. And with even the tiniest threat to the reality or durability of the relationship comes the potential for a terrifying collapse of your self worth, your ability to love who you are without that person - or without ANY person.

It’s important to me to remind you that there’s nothing wrong with being love-drunk, in and of itself. It’s a delightful feeling, and one of the unique pleasures of being human. However, just like with alcohol induced drunkenness, recognizing the truth of your altered state is essential to striking a balance. It’s essential in setting up yourself and your life so that you don’t have to live in a constant state of drunken-ness to be ok in the world. To be ok in yourself.

The key to striking that balance is to fiercely protect the parts of yourself and your life that need to have priority over the relationship. You don’t have to give up your relationship or your partner. Nor do you have to work incessantly to “keep” the partner or relationship, because that would be centralizing your romantic partner. Rather, you have to shift your focus to yourself. Here are five ways you can accomplish that.

Prioritize spending time alone. Rather than making yourself available to them whenever they are available to you, you have to choose to spend at least a little time every week enjoying your own company, your own life. Outside of work time, or family time, or social time… we’re talking about ALONE time here. Energetically, this practice reinforces to you (and to your partner) that you are still your priority. You will always have to live with and in yourself, you will always have to be the one that creates emotional, spiritual, (and often financial) security.

Practice imagining your future without this person. This doesn’t mean you can’t also imagine your future with them. It just means that you need to be able to maintain a joyful view of your future alone. Because, like it or not, it’s at least possible (if not likely) that you will have to live at least some of your future alone. Your partner will eventually pass out of your life - whether temporarily or permanently; whether because of old age, or because life changes in some way for either of you - you will have to face a future without them. Energetically, this creates a sense of safety and security in your future, regardless of the way the outside world does or does not participate in your dream.

Create a habit of reinforcing your value to yourself. Cover your bathroom mirror with affirmations. Make reminders in your phone. Leave notes to yourself around your work space or in your favorite books. Tell yourself over and over all the reasons that you are valuable, important (to yourself), and lovable (from yourself). Energetically, this creates a deep-seated knowledge that you are essential in your life and in the world because of WHO YOU ARE. Not because of the job that you have or the role you play in the lives of your friends and family, or because you have managed to find a fairy-tale partner and love. Just because of who you are; all the wonderful characteristics that make you, you.

These practices will not only help you to de-centralize your partner or relationship, they will actually help you to create a stronger, healthier one.

By prioritizing spending time alone - even if they are available and want to spend time with you, you are offering your partner the chance to do the same. Whether they take that opportunity or not is up to them, but you will be setting yourself up for a long-term future together in which it’s comfortable to not be together all of the time. This also removes any implication that you are obligated to spend every free moment together.

By imaging a delightful future without your partner, you are easing any unconscious pressure on the relationship to fulfill you; to fulfill your dreams. You will dramatically diminish, if not eliminate entirely, the constant need to be assured of your partner’s love, interest, and intention with you. This gives them space to allow their feelings to develop and flourish naturally. It allows them a safe space to be honest with you about their feelings. And that is an essential pillar of any strong relationship.

Finally, by committing to reinforcing your value to yourself, you are empowering yourself to live out your dreams. You’re supporting yourself in the belief that your wellbeing, happiness, and future don’t revolve around your partner, but rather come about naturally because of who you are. You free yourself from the need to hunt down evidence in the world around you that you are good enough or deserving of wonderful things.

So by all means, go ahead and let yourself get a little carried away by the wonder of being enamored and in love with someone. Just remember to keep re-orienting on your emotional and spiritual well being.