Reclaim the power to take down dominating men - with emotions.

I had a little mental crisis last night. A few weeks ago I negotiated the sale of my car to a fellow and while he’s made both of the payments to date, I don’t have a contract yet. And he has my car. He’s been dodgy about my requests to get the contract finalized for weeks and for whatever reason, last night I could not get my brain to leave the paranoia behind.

Perhaps because I’m in Colombia. Perhaps because I’ve been screwed over several times already - both here and in the States. Perhaps because I can’t let go of the nagging guilt that I should have executed this transaction differently. (I could have, maybe even should have, but that’s not the point. In fact, we connected this morning and it appears that the situation is in the process of being properly sorted.)

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The issue that has come up for me in all of this (aside from the aforementioned guilt and self-degradation) is my awareness that I felt completely powerless. The reality that, that as I ran down my list of options to rectify the situation if something were actually amiss, every single one relied on men (or patriarchal authority) to step in and “fix it”.

I could call the cops and report the car as stolen to get his attention. I could call up his lawyer (he’d shared the contact with me to help me out with my visa situation) and get him to write the contract. I could sue him. I could show up at his office and wait until he showed up to confront him. Though that last one felt less-than-safe unless I had at least one man with me. Which, not incidentally, encapsulated my frustration perfectly.

Sitting on my balcony, staring out over the city, and hoping for sleep to overtake my spinning mind, I felt a sensation I haven’t felt in a long time: impotence. Presented with an injustice levied against me, I felt a powerlessness that nearly reduced me to tears. And then I got angry.

How is it that a 44 year old woman who has come this far in life has no real source of power to protect herself from being taken advantage of? I have built this life almost exclusively by myself (with the support of friends, readers, and clients, of course) and in order to protect my assets, my only choice is to call in a bodyguard of sorts? A boyfriend or lawyer or cop or father figure has to come stand by my side to give me authority? Over MY rights to MY property?

And let’s be clear. I’m not inclined to call these “men” in to help me with the situation because they’re physically bigger or stronger than I. I’m sure I could call in a bodybuilder girl friend of mine and we could both go down to the guy’s shop and confront him and I’d feel equally as impotent. Making the uncomfortable reality crystal clear: I am the one that is giving my power to Car Guy (and other male authority figures), making myself powerless.

And, look. I know this isn’t novel information. I’ve talked and written and posted, and spoken for years about the reality that we give away our power in relationships. But generally I work in the contexts of romantic relationships. My awareness last night centered around the awareness that in business relationships, I’ve generally just allowed myself to be taken advantage of. I’ve written off being dominated or used with sentiments like, “they know more than I do,” or “that’s just the natural order of things when you’re not in a position of power,” or “well, I might have lost a few hundred dollars, but whatever - it’s just money. I can make more money. At least I kept the peace. At least they still have no grounds to say that I’m anything but a “nice girl”.” I mean, that last one wasn’t exactly a conscious thought, but in hindsight that’s the sentiment I held.

The thing I realized last night is that I’ve so often assumed that I don’t have the power that I’ve actually given it away - TWICE! First to the men who took advantage of me in some way, and then to the men that I felt I had to call on to help me rectify the situation. And that was the moment that I realized this has to stop.

I sent a very to-the-point message to the car guy (to which he responded this morning, as I mentioned, and I think everything is going to be ok) and realized that I’d been avoiding doing that because I didn’t want him to think I was pushy. Or demanding. Or hard to work with. Or emotional. Or a bitch.

Why the hell would I care what he thinks? Because I have a fear that if he doesn’t keep “liking” me as a person, I won’t get what he promised me. Why would I feel that way? Because I’ve been taught that my only power in the world is gifted to me through the approval of others - especially men. And “good,” “nice,” girls can easily get the approval of men. Bonus power points if we’re sexy too.

Puke.

Unfortunately, the awareness of the horrifying reality of that situation for myself and so many other women does nothing to empower us.

So how do we reclaim our power? That was the question I wrestled with as night crossed into morning. And I think I have an answer:

We do it with emotion. Not the hysteric, fake tears, causing a scene in the lobby emotion. The quiet, powerful version.

There are a few reasons why I think this will work - at the very least, for me. And the first one is based on a massive (and soon to be quite out-dated generalization (at least I hope it will be)) and that is that men are generally afraid of emotion. I mean, I think for some men - particularly those of my generation and those above me - a crying woman is disturbing. Even scary. Definitely confusing. If THEY feel they need to cry… well, I think at least a number of them would rather inflict physical harm that would physically scar them for life, rather than let the tears come.

To be clear, my point here is not to use the power of emotion to manipulate and terrify men. Rather, it’s to empower us to use OUR emotion to empower ourselves to feel equally powerful. Equally dominating. Equally justified in standing our ground and standing up for ourselves.

When I first had this thought, I found it curious that it hadn’t occurred to me before. I mean, I’d heard of women getting their way by throwing a fit or breaking down in a torrent of tears, but I don’t want to be a person who inflates emotion to manipulate someone into getting what I want. The other reason that I never considered using emotion to empower myself in front of a man in a position of authority that was trying to take advantage of that position in some way, is because - well, frankly, it didn’t occur to me that it would work. At least not the non-dramatic, authentic emotion version.

I believed that because I’ve been taught - no, correction, WE’VE been taught - that emotion is weak. That expressing emotion makes us weak. And that men, especially, see no power in emotions.

But, I realized, that’s not true. First of all, many men (particularly of the younger generations) are bravely stepping into their emotional worlds. Second (and perhaps more obviously) if we’ve learned anything over the past few years it’s that men are also emotional - VERY emotional - and often their feelings scare them to DEATH. Which, of course, is a great indicator that, in fact, they do view emotions as quite powerful.

Ultimately, the reality is that properly channeled emotion is powerful. Not to mention, it’s the language of god force energy. There is a reason that the powerful people in movies and TV are the ones that can make a room full of grown adults uncomfortable to the point of squirming in their chairs or looking for escape under the table or in the bathroom simply by staring them down in silence. The reason those people are uncomfortable is because they know they are on the wrong side (and/or don’t have any power themselves).

My mother has been telling me for years that she can’t talk to me (she’s RUBY red, I’m sapphire blue) because I “get so emotional”. I used to deeply resent that comment. Yes, I do get emotional. I’m a passionate person. So what’s wrong with that? And I’m not being mean, I’m not even raising my voice. It’s just my energy that has gone through the roof and is blowing out my ears in invisible flames. Isn’t expressing my emotions my human right? Isn’t that acknowledging the most authentic version of myself? Isn’t it helping me both to get to know who I am on a deeper level and also stand up for myself?

Yes. The answer to all those questions is yes.

And.

As my very astute boyfriend pointed out to me once a couple of years ago, when I bring that energy into interactions, it’s only natural that the other person goes on the defensive. Because of course they feel attacked, even if I’m not verbally attacking them. They feel threatened even though I’m not threatening anything - just (in my perspective) asking for justice. They feel that way because they can feel my highly charged, unstable energy. And, just like any other creature on the planet, everything in their being is telling them to defend themselves from this hair-trigger energetic bomb.

Interestingly, in part I was able to take that assessment and criticism from my boyfriend and not my mother because my boyfriend constantly creates an environment of safety and respect for me in which I know he sees me as at least equally valuable, valid, and intelligent. My mother, on the other hand, has repeatedly told me I’m not as smart or wise or aware as she is. But that’s not the point. (Though I’ll probably make that the point in the next post because I’m just now realizing there’s a lot to be said about that in the context of controlling our energies.)

The point is, managing our emotions is an essential part of reclaiming our power - regardless of our sex or sexual orientation or sexual preferences.

Perhaps even more to the point, the other part of the reason that I was able to take the criticism from my boyfriend and not my mother is that in discussion with my partner I finally began to appreciate that managing my emotions didn’t mean I wasn’t allowed to feel. Feel justified, self-righteous, hurt, dis-respected, judged… all those emotions that come up for me in these intense confrontations are absolutely valid and I absolutely deserve to feel them. But they aren’t useful when expressed as acrid confetti from a seething volcano; just spewed all over whomever is confronting me.

They are, however, useful - when properly channeled.

I can convert those feelings into a deep knowledge that I deserve to be treated better. I deserve to be respected. I deserve to receive every last penny that was promised to me. Then I can use those feelings to power my courage to face my nemesis - in silence. I can use those emotions to reinforce my will to bear any and all discomfort that comes from being perceived as a bitch or a “mean girl” or an “emotional woman” or “high maintenance”. And I can stand there, face to face with a man twice my size, in possession of my most valuable asset - my car - and wait in silence until HE is uncomfortable. Until he is uncomfortable enough being faced with himself and the way he’s taking advantage of me or treating me or whatever to be incited to change.

The trick then, of course, is learning to channel those emotions. To allow them to come up to the surface but not break through, and instead to fuel my general energy of self-assurance. The mere presence of those feelings of rage against injustice and feeling dominated can provide a foundation for my knowledge that I deserve to be stood up for, and that my perspective has value. That my rights are mine to hold and protect.

It will take practice, for sure. And I want to be clear that I’m not suggesting that women walk into dangerous situations with men and count on their emotional power to protect them (though I firmly believe the day is coming in which we can do just that). If you don’t feel safe with a man, please DO take a cop or a trusted friend (and, perhaps, camera person) along with you. But don’t back down from a confrontation because you’ve decided that being “nice” or “not too much” or whatever is more important than your right to protect yourself, your assets, and your respect.

Stand your ground, ladies. Use your power of emotion. And let go of giving a fuhk if a man perceives you as anything but powerful and deserving of respect. Because if your feelings make them think or feel that way about you, it’s their shit - not yours - to deal with.